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The top five questions that men fear...
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than I am?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.
tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed
below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following:
a. I sure could use a blowjob right now.
b. Football.
c. Baseball.
d. How fat you are.
e. How much prettier she is than you.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear!" Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love (Clinton's response).
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect
answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. That depends on what you mean by fat (Clinton's response).

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than I am?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how
good she'd be in bed.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a
Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures
of her?
MAN: Well, that would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she couldn't use them. She's left-handed.

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