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Political Ideologies

A quick easy to understand guide to political ideologies

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells
you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the
milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an
apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow
futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad.
The government doesn't do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you
can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes
both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing
cows.

CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a
Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands Company secretly owned
by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows'
milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

LESBIANISM:
You have two cows.
They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes the cows and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with
(the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric,
warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man.
You have *got* to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

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