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Diary of a Viagra Wife.......

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not
much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our
wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and
cried. Wussy.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to
know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I
mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so
long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument
and burst into tears.


Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the
market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called
Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things
will be just like they were on our wedding night. He
said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join
us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac
with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than
his mood.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun
intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked
me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking
about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about
you! But, have to admit....

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new
friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell....

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only
take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing
the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet
Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky
all over....

Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him.
Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were
watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it
was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt.
He's a nasty man.

Day 12.
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like
going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke
up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums
and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps
coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time
I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like
going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not
like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out
... I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.

Day 15.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is
working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he
tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to
bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16.
I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the
way he wants to...stiff. With my luck, I won't be able
to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to
everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and
the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told
him to f*** himself...he did. He must die.

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