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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him
again.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6
days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both
should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to
it.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania and, when it gets bad, I take something for
it.

There's no need to have a fear of falling - it's the sudden stop
at the bottom that warrants the fear.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you
live.

I planned to stay retired for as long as the money lasted. It
was a nice weekend.

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