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SOCCER INJURIES MULTIPLY WITH AGE

If you've ever thought about getting into
shape, you need to take lessons from me.
I'm an active guy. Not only do I jog regularly
(to the pizza shop), I also walk every single
day (to my mailbox). And as if that isn't
enough exercise, I'm even playing in a
soccer league this summer. It's an over-30
league, which means that all the players,
without exception, must be at least 30
pounds overweight.

I don't want to brag, but after three games,
my statistics are nothing short of
remarkable: three goals, one assist and
four injuries. The injuries include a pulled
hamstring, a strained quadriceps and a
sprained ankle. I won't even mention the
injuries I've inflicted on others. I don't want
to provide any evidence for their lawsuits.

Perhaps it's called an over-30 league
because every game seems to produce
over 30 injuries. (That's an unofficial
number. It doesn't include any injuries
suffered by referees, either during the
game or soon after.)

Injuries occur partly because soccer is a
contact sport. Players in my league contact
each other, contact the ground, and, every
now and then, contact the ball. Pretty soon,
they're also contacting their doctor.

But in an over-30 league, you don't need
contact to get injured. All you need is
motion. Any motion. Some players, eager to
help their teams, get injured while jumping
out of their cars. Others get injured while
running toward the field. A few get injured
while stretching. That's why, to minimize
injuries, I've decided to give up stretching. I
don't want to take any chances.

Considering the frequency of injuries, it's no
wonder players are required to sign a
waiver, promising not to sue the league.
Players are also asked to protect
themselves by wearing shin guards and, if
they're smart, bringing their own stretchers.
A few bright players also wear jock cups,
knowing that the world doesn't produce
enough aspirin.

But regardless of the injuries, the over-30
league is quite competitive. Not all the
players are in poor shape. Yes, some do
get tired quickly, but others can maintain
great intensity, without taking a breather, for
at least an entire minute. Perhaps even two
minutes.

Being an over-30 soccer player does have
a few advantages. You have lots of
experience and you can think fast. You
know exactly what to do with the ball. If only
you could get to it.

As I've come to realize, soccer isn't a sport
designed for older people. There's far too
much distance between the goals. It would
be a lot easier if the game were played
within one of the goals.

It would also help if the ball weren't so
round. It rolls a little too fast. That wouldn't
be a problem if we could play with several
balls at once. When you have 22 guys trying
to kick a single ball, you're asking for
trouble.

It's a good thing my league has referees.
They do a good job of keeping the game
under control, especially when they're
awake. (Players sometimes have to shout,
"Wake up, ref. Didn't you see the foul?"
That's yet another downside of America's
growing problem of sleep deprivation.)

Even with all the injuries and limitations,
soccer is an enjoyable sport -- no matter
your age. I paid $35 to get into the league,
so my expectations are high. I'll be very
disappointed if we finish the season without
a single pizza party.

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