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*Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD)*. This affliction, which
disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is
serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD
experience perceptive problems which prevent them from
entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the
sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per
hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in traffic.
When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his
or her eyes and begins moving into traffic with only the
protective hand of God to clear the way.

*Cerebral Phlebitis*. The primary symptom of this male-only
disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left
unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the
sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in
job-related activities, social situations, and even the
size of certain reproductive body parts. The only known
cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a
"Marriage of Equals." This is an extremely dangerous,
open-heart operation which often fails.

*Bingivitis*. This inexplicable disease affects only
individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky
Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them
to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last
scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like
Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the
Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivits sufferer goes
on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy,
vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose
from

*Cheeriosclerosis*. Also known as "hardening of the
cereal," this frightening male condition results from
leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the
coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains
are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even
repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only
solution is a dangerous "bowl transplant" which involves
trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without
your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is
rejected.

*Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome*. This debilitating disease
strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After a
choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted
woman simply *locks up* in fear and delusional paranoia,
muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble.
During a flare-up, if the patient's spouse asks "what's the
problem?" or speaks at all, this triggers a massive
escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening
to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout "I HATE
MY CLOTHES!" and lock herself in the room. There is no
cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening's
worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.

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