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============= British Acheivement Awards

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving
Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions.

Tortoise Trophy

To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of
lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining
"on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of
schedule.

Rubber Cushion

To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his
hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.

Crimewatch Cup

Gold star

To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with
a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his
forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith".
His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright
young man."

Silver star

To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat,
but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that
he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

Bronze star

To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his
name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the
side.

British Cup

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to
Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe
D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse...
but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in
a non-smoking compartment.

Flying Cross

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft,
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately
eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his
remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from
first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel

To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her
coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked
what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to
the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped
dead from shock.

Silver Bullet

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

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