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TONTA SADIE'S RULES FOR JEWISH LIVING

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.

A good kugel sinks in mercury.

Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice
horsd'oeuvre.

Guilt is critical to your existence.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you
tired.

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate side-of-the-street parking is suspended

A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be
eaten only in Chinese restaurants
.
The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good parking spot at the mall
.
It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.

After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created
Loehmann's.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land
of milk of magnesia

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and
eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand
up and tell his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens
around age 45

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