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New Barbies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed
knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary
beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit
(after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back
and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.

Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting
edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke,
prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kiddush cup, Torah scrolls.
Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Administrator Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay
(80% of Administrator Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the
totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group.
Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll
schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner
cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-organization
and a move, and order airline tickets for Administrator Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking
and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box,
but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone
tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on
her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the
while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes
with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the
past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to
be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string
on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death
threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all
men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the
ring finger of her left hand).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says,
"Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." comes with a "One Day
at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal
feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled
materials.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith
helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability
to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles,
lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and
pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits
and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies
who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt
and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories
and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like
"I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go,
girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

Trans-gender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous
two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says
"Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles,
double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to
show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with
a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o'fried chicken,
tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's ice cream,
three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak
Don't Eat", and, of course, an appetite.

Mobile Home Park Barbie: Comes complete with hair in rollers
and pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When you pull
the string on her back she asks where her government support
check is. Some Mobile Home Barbies come with surprise Ken or
G.I. Joe since they often give her surprise visits when they
come into town.

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