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This is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995's
weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits.
The letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my
children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair
that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the
government should know something about them and what to expect
over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me
next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen,is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can
answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over,
keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment,
so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive
her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother
and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion,
safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved
you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.

Patrick is 14? I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may
be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated
first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a
police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends
were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered
to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll
take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal.
Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is
the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when
he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976
numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as
if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics"
is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak
English. Most people under twenty understand the curious
patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the/
reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a
speech pathologist who has her roll her "r' s". It added a
refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four
more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me,
but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think
that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out
what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take
the youngest two,I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's
college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I
still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know
of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob ******
Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund

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