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Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic
air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation
to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly,
since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with
good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by
an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always
been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting
of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity
of a pew.

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