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HOW TO TELL WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN:

THE MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now
rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover
the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and
leave it there all summer.

THE TOY TEST: Obtain a 20-litre box of Legos. (If Lego is not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.)
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream. (This could wake a sleeping child.)

THE GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats
are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery
store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat
or damage.

THE DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay
inside.

THE FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway
with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start
the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such
as Fruit Loops) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to
be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.

THE NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill
it with 5kgs of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8PM begin
to waltz and hum with the bag until 9PM. Lay down your bag and
set your alarm for 10PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing
every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and
sing these until 4AM. Set alarm for 5AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and
attach it to your front under your clothes. Leave it there for 9
months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest pharmacist. Set your
wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now
proceed to the nearest grocery store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your pay to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last
time.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small
child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run rampant. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you have all the answers.

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