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PG:12
IMPORTANT MEMO

To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to
our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced
to tighten up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk
drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer
be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch
hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an
inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.

2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will
no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security
code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.

3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North
Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the
hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they
will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly
states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be
available at the front desk.

4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no
longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as
www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com.
Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.

5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and
higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their
work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room
walls.

6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of
leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter
supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.

7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small
amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in
those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes
you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair
projects.

8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out
for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will
be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve.
We'll keep you posted.

9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the
burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc
players during working hours.

10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all
employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor,
will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side
door to avoid clocking in late.I know this crackdown might seem
punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty
to protect the valuable national secrets that have been
entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all
37 1/2 hours of the week!

Sincerely,
Bill.

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