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from the Dilbert newsletter.....

True Tales Of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Those Induhviduals continue to inspire us with their tales of
Induhviduality. Here are the latest reports from the field.


Tale 1:

"I was watching the local news this morning when the anchor reported
that the police had arrested two suspects for an extremely brutal murder
in our area. The reporter stood there with a straight face and said that
the District Attorney's office was going for the death penalty because
they had proof that the victim was alive just moments before his death."


Tale 2:

This sign was spotted in a fabric warehouse in Wells (South England):

"Ceiling Fans in Operation. Please be careful when lifting small
children."

Editor: Maybe it's just me, but that sign seems vague. For example, the
guidelines are completely silent on the handling of larger children and
pets. And I am left wondering if it's okay to fling small children into
the ceiling fan with a catapult as long as you don't do any "lifting."


Tale 3:

Allegedly overheard at the pharmacy:

"Do you think that I gave my wife the yeast infection? Because a couple
of days ago, I drank a few beers and then had sex with her."

Editor: Yes, I know it sounds like an urban legend, but it's still
funny.


Tale 4:

This one is part True Tale and part Wise-Ass Comment:

I was standing in a lobby gazing out the glass door. A woman came up
behind me and began to talk to me as if she knew me. I turned around,
she stopped, startled, and said, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone
else."

I said, "I am."


Tale 5:

I bought a microphone for singing, which I returned to the store after
trying it out (according to their policy). The salesperson asked me why
I was returning it, and I told her that I was returning it because it
didn't work properly. She responded, "Did you open it?"


Tale 6:

One day my (now ex-) wife called the Help Desk at the hospital that I
worked at to tell them that I had left my pager at home that day. She
was not sure where I was at the time, and figured the Help Desk would
track me down to tell me to go home to get my pager. The Help Desk paged
me with the Help Desk extension displayed.

She then called the Help Desk again, and told them that the pager was in
her hand, and that paging me was pointless, since it was not on my
person. They paged me again, with my home number, to tell me that my
wife had my pager.


Tale 7:

I am a reference librarian. I had an Induhvidual come up to me
yesterday wanting help finding Internet sites for her class project.
She found the perfect site the day before, but being an Induhvidual, did
not bookmark it or write down the URL. So, the question I got was, "I
need to find that web page with a yellow background that I found on this
computer yesterday."


Tale 8:

I recently had trouble with my cellular service. I called the
Support Hotline and waited thirty minutes for a human response. The tech
asked the make and model of my phone. I informed the tech that I could
see no model number on the phone. He said, "Take the battery off and
look inside. The model number is printed there." I said if I take the
battery out, I'll lose the connection. He said, "That's okay. I'll
hold."


Tale 9:

A customer called me the other day to complain that the
contract delivery people had scratched her countertop, and
that the delivery company would not accept the damage claim
because the customer's maid had signed a form stating the
damage was pre-existing. The customer told me her maid Maria
neither read nor wrote English and would not have realized
what it was she was signing. When I called the delivery
company to press home this point, they replied, "The
maid must have known what she was signing because she signed
her name in English".

At that point I was at a loss for words.


Tale 10:

There's this Induhvidual in my office who got a new PC that has a
blank-screen screensaver that comes up after about twenty minutes
without activity. Returning from lunch the first day, he was aghast to
find his monitor "not working." So he gave it the good old-fashioned
whack on the side. Lo and behold, the vibrations carried to the mouse
and his monitor "worked"!!

Now, every day, on returning from lunch, he fixes the "loose
connection" in his monitor with a whack.



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