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143 jokes in the category Holidays


21 votes up
<- Vote! ->
7 votes down
Laff Factor:
PG:14
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

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20 votes up
<- Vote! ->
21 votes down
Laff Factor:
R:-1
Q. What do Michael Jackson ans Santa Clause have in common.

A. They both like to empty their sacks while little kids are sleeping.

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336 votes up
<- Vote! ->
160 votes down
Laff Factor:
R:176
The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse!

Dad at the whore house, Mom smoking grass,
and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

Then out on the lawn there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew right away that fat fucker fell.

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart,
that son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight,
"Piss on you all and have one hell of a night."

.

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20 votes up
<- Vote! ->
22 votes down
Laff Factor:
PG:-2
Twas the month after Christmas....


Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

.

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15 votes up
<- Vote! ->
13 votes down
Laff Factor:
PG:2
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his
elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the
reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth
and two had jumped the fence and were out; heaven knows where
to... More Stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup
of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard,
he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to
drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it
broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice
had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the
door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree.

The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat
man?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree!

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