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309 jokes in the category Bar & Drinking


15 votes up
<- Vote! ->
21 votes down
Laff Factor:
PG:-6
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

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344 votes up
<- Vote! ->
162 votes down
Laff Factor:
R:182
The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse!

Dad at the whore house, Mom smoking grass,
and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

Then out on the lawn there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew right away that fat fucker fell.

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart,
that son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight,
"Piss on you all and have one hell of a night."

.

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23 votes up
<- Vote! ->
29 votes down
Laff Factor:
PG:-6
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer
all day.

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20 votes up
<- Vote! ->
9 votes down
Laff Factor:
PG:11
Barbie Dolls Inc. Announces The Release Today of
Models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the
California Market:

Pleasanton Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold
at the Stoneridge Mall. She comes with an assortment
of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a
cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck,face lift
and a workaholic Ken.

San Ramon Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is
available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar
minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or
secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Richmond Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes
with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider
Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows
and a Meth Lab Ken. Also available in a Mexican version.
Pinole Barbie: This Barbie is the wanna be San Ramon
Barbie, only she usually carries a knife to stab her
fellow Barbies in the back with. She's available with
the cell phone, SUV and a drink in her hand.

El Sobrante Barbie: This Barbie is truly one of a kind.
Comes with Biker Ken & his Harley and a replica of the
Capri Club. She only hangs out with Ken because he has
a bike & when he's not around she's looking for another
man- who has a bike. Watch out- she usually doesn't care
if he has a wife or girlfriend. Otherwise known as:
Scooter Tramp Barbie.

Rancho Cordova/Gold River Barbie: This yuppie Barbie
comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up
Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow
Ken.

Stockton Barbie: This white-trash model comes in
Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt,
big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr.
CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's
ass when she's drunk. A pickup is available with
Confederate flag bumper stickers.

Tahoe Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic
Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear a
leopard print ski outfit without looking passe, even
if you are actually skiing.

Berkeley Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two
variations. One has long gray hair and archless
feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt . The
other version has frizzy hair, a dingy white
tanktop, low cut jeans and scratch-n-sniff armpits.

Bakersfield Barbie: This tobacco chewing,
brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you
can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no
pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling
while you chase your beer-gutted, hollow
gold-chain-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark
red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color
or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed
jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the
back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through
shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted
and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped
with Bon Jovi, rusty old Ford pick up.

Texas Transplant Barbie: This bitch of a Barbie
comes with a Ford SUV (Texas plates), a knife to stab
other Barbies in the back, and tons of makeup. Carnivore
Ken sold separately.

They are working on developing an "Oakland Barbie",
but she keeps getting shot.

Piedmont Barbie: This True Blonde shops exclusively
in Walnut Creek and Carmel. She drives her Land Rover
(sold separately) to the Oakland Public Library. She
has an MBA from Stanford but has never worked
outside the home. Her child stroller is bigger than your
house and her tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind
CEO Ken's golf trophies. She knows enough Spanish to
talk with the nanny; Tagalog to speak to the cook;
and Chinese, Vietnamese and Korean, to talk with the
gardener, house painter, and housekeeper respectively.
She is a lifelong member of the Junior League and
her Piedmont estate on Sea View Drive is featured in
Architectural Digest. Her family owns a winery in
Napa, but she buys cases of "2-Buck Chuck" at Trader
Joe's. Hence the need for the rear-loading Land
Rover. Her dirty little secret?? She's a closet
Democrat

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7 votes up
<- Vote! ->
6 votes down
Laff Factor:
R:1
Beer Troubleshooting Guide...

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain
about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

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